Step 1: Learn how to function with NO sleep. Whatsoever.
Late-night crying and screaming were common when I was a baby. But they definitely still are.
I am 99.9% sure it’s a skill only my parents have. Especially since my girl boss mother started her own business, and has a lot on her plate.
Step 2: Keep every card. All of them. No seriously. ALL OF THE CARDS.
There are cards I randomly find in boxes around the house. Apparently, those were mine to my mom.
Let’s just say… I applaud my mom for pretending she could read them. Because looking back at them, I most definitely cannot.
Step 3: The first name, middle name last name combo.
Most people in my house know it as “REBECCA SUE-BURGER”. I know it as a signal to start saying my last prayers. No more said.
Step 4: Answer deep, heartfelt questions while trying not to drive into a light post.
My mom and I say “buzz” and tap each other on the shoulder (or whatever extended body part we can reach) when we see a yellow car. The thing is, cars are on the road. Which means we are in a car. And we normally talk about conspiracy theories, human anatomy, psychology, and the idiocy of boys at my school while in the car. So it’s a, “Did you know that if our immune system was aware of our
eyes-“ “BUZZ”. “ahem” “ sorry” “anyways….”
Or even better it’s a “And it’s so frustrating when people think kids don’t have any real, proper emotions. It’s like they think we’re just making this all up. ALSO so-and-so was telling me how -BUZZ-“ “OH COME ONNN” Please note that my mom is normally tagged on her head.
Step 5: Being able to identify the type of cry from across the house.
Hmmm. Broke-something cry
Ummmm thats a fake one.
Hungry but won’t admit it.
That time of the month. Blanket did not cover feet.
Step 6: Find anything. Even if it’s your child’s own sock which they have on their hand, and they,for some reason, can’t find it.
I swear moms have a sixth sense. Mine can find everything. Anything. All the things. It’s either that or maybe they can spawn whatever you are looking for.
Step seven: Call everyone in the house,the dogs name first.
Mom. I know you’re busy. I get that. Understand that. But. There was a stage in your life, where my name was Molly. Dad’s name was molly. Danny’s name was molly. Yet molly’s name was Daniel. Then it was Carl. Then it was Rebecca. THEN it changed back to Molly.
Step eight: When it comes to finally relaxing, you won’t relax.
Your butt FINALLY touches the couch. “MOOOOMMMMMM CAN I HAVE-“
You jinxed it. Even though you checked on us twice.
Step nine: learn how to passively-aggressively load the dishwasher.
Normally, it’s my job. After dinner. But most of the time I forget. And mom comes to my room. “Rebecca sue-burger. Did you forget something?” And I’m like……ummmmmm…… desperately trying to remember. And mom goes “did you load the dishwasher?” And I just…. Oh boy….. and I get up, to load the dishwasher and mom says “it’s fine, I already did it. Just please do it next time,”
It’s scary.
Step 10: Still manage to be the most amazing mom ever.
I love everything about my mom. Her kindness, her honesty, determination, and 17 thousand other household and cooking skills I wish I knew. I’m so lucky to have you as my mom, and I love you so much. Happy 40th birthday mom.
